Marriage Monday: Five Things I'm Glad I Did Before Getting Married

I got married two weeks after turning 23. I get that to a lot of people (like, everyone living in a non-southern state), that probably sounds really young. For me, however, the timing felt just right.

First and foremost, our confidence in proceeding with a Hitched in a Hurry wedding came from the Lord, who gets full credit for bringing Taylor and I together as lifelong teammates in pursuit of Him. When I look in the rearview mirror, however, I’m also reminded of a series of experiences that helped me transition from single woman to wife with as little regret as possible. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that because I did these things on my own, the Lord rewarded me with a husband. These are just adventures and decision-points that, on a practical level, helped me enter marriage without fear of “missing out.”

So without further chit chat, let’s get to today’s #marriagemonday topic!

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FIVE THINGS I'M GLAD I DID BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

5. Traveled 

A few months after graduating from college, I jumped on an opportunity to move to Southern France and work as an au pair. While I’m looking forward to doing more traveling with my husband in the future, I’m also very grateful for the time I spent exploring Europe tout seul. Traveling literally opens your eyes to another world. It also helps you become aware of the fact that 1. Your perspective is not the only one in existence. 2. There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know. 3. Shocker! You’re not necessarily always right. These are all great lessons to learn before entering into a marriage relationship. Merci beaucoup, passport!

4. Got a Big Girl Job

Working full-time as a single woman provided me with real-world experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I learned to manage a busy schedule, set priorities, budget and make financial decisions, pay bills in a timely manner, live in and maintain my own place, and consider and evaluate my long-term goals. All of these things helped me grow into adulthood and out of a state of child-like dependency (and the cocoon of college).

On the job interviewing the one and only Austin Scarlett

 3. Tried Random Things

Competing at Miss Texas was random, y’all. And I am SO glad that I tried it before getting married. I got to wear a crown and sash, speak to students, do the pageant wave in a parade, get spray tans on a regular basis, perform a talent routine in front of hundreds of people, and answer the question, “I wonder what would happen if ... ?” Pageantry was a brief adventure that was all my own. I don’t ever have to wonder now if I could have been Miss America, because I already tried. Professional conferences, art shows, and writing competitions were also among the random things I tried as a single woman. So, checking things off the solo bucket list before marriage? A definite Do-Before-“I do” in my book. 

Post-presentation, we're ALL doing the pageant wave

2. Dated + Waited

I learned so much about what I was looking for—and not looking for—in a marriage relationship by being in more temporal dating relationships. That being said, this is an area that, in my opinion, deserves a “proceed with caution” sign. I’m going to skip through a lot of vague purity lingo here (which we’ll dissect in another post) and just say it like it is: I did not have sex before marriage, and it’s the best decision I made as a single woman. While sex frequently gets a bad rap in the church—associated with words like dangerous, wrong, dirty, and/or sinful—the reality is that having sex in the right context (that’s marriage) is safe, right, pure, holy, fun, and an integral part of building emotional intimacy. Did I date perfectly? No. But I did frequently remind myself that my husband was out there, which encouraged me to reserve as much of my body and heart as possible for him. If you’re considering waiting to have sex until marriage—or recommitting to physical purity in a current relationship—but are not sure that the benefits will outweigh the temporary cost, I encourage you to think toward the future with excitement and reserve what’s secret and sacred and sexual for your spouse only. The ups and downs of dating and the temptations and frustrations of waiting are worth it. More importantly, YOU are worth it. You are beautiful and loved and cherished. Remind yourself of that truth today … and every time you go out on a not-so-incredible blind date. 

1. Followed Jesus 

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

This is a misunderstood verse, I think—especially when it comes to relational desires. It’s easy to read Psalm 37:4 as an “if-then” equation. In the context of this discussion, here’s what that would look like: “If I can just be satisfied in Jesus, then I’ll get a husband.” Here’s how I started reading this verse as a single woman, and how I’m still learning to take hold of its truth now that I’m married:

Go where He’s leading—whether it’s to France to work as an au pair, or to a desk job in a high-rise building, or under the lights of the Miss Texas stage, or on a date set up by a friend, or all of the above—and trust that He will bring the right person into your life at the right time, no manufacturing required. Seek His face. From experience, you don’t have to see where everything’s going in order for His design to be accomplished. You don’t have to convince your heart that it doesn’t want to be married in hopes that, by some act of spiritual reverse psychology, God will finally give you what you’re pretending you don’t even want anymore. And you definitely don’t have to achieve perfection in order for your prayers to be answered or your needs to be met.

 

 Being single is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn what it means to delight in the Lord and grow in your intimacy with Him. It’s one-on-one time that allows for serious heart-rendering and wall-breaking and freedom-setting. It’s also important to note that marriage does not bring wholeness or complete satisfaction. That’s why it’s so extraordinarily important for all of us—whether “taken” or single, married or unmarried, sick or healthy, in good times or in bad—to come to a place where He becomes the desire of our hearts. Just Him. Not the things or the people or the relationship status He can bring to us. It’s difficult to say this as a newlywed, but I know that it’s true: all earthly relationships—even the best ones, like Christ-centered marriages—will pass away. The relationship I have with my Savior, however, will never end. That’s one of many reasons why, whether single or married, He deserves my first love and my first attentions. I’m thankful for the work the Lord began in my life as a single woman, and I pray that He will continue to work out His will in my life until I am old and gray and can’t remember anything but the all-surpassing love of the Father—the One who loved me first, last, and best. 

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The point of this list: Being “ready for marriage” has nothing to do with the date on your birth certificate, the experiences under your belt, or the accomplishments on your résumé. It has everything to do with following the Lord’s unique plan for your life and saying “yes” to His calling.

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track.” Proverbs 3:5-6, MSG

Washed in the blood

I have been a Christian since I was seven years old, but I am just now in the process of reading the Bible all the way through. This is embarrassing for two reasons:

1. My husband has already done it twice.

2. People around the world are literally killed just for owning a Bible, and yet they continue to put their lives on the line to get a copy because they understand this truth: The Word of God is Life.

If anyone else feels like joining me on this journey, you'll be able to catch up pretty easily—I am currently in Leviticus. You should know, though, that this is a hard chapter. There is a lot of repetition, so it can be easy to "zone out." But I've heard pastors say that Jesus can (metaphorically) be found on every page of the Bible if you look closely enough, and so that's what I've been trying to do. Look for Jesus. 

Today, I caught a glimpse of Him.

"Then Moses took some of the anointing oil and some of the blood from the altar and sprinkled them on Aaron and his garments and on his sons and their garments. So he consecrated Aaron and his garments and his sons and their garments." —Leviticus 8:30

My first thought when reading this was, "Okay, he just ruined their clothes." And these were some EXPENSIVE clothes. Check out these descriptions (all from Exodus 39):

"From the blue, purple and scarlet yarn they made woven garments for ministering in the sanctuary."

"They hammered out thin sheets of gold and cut strands to be worked into the [cloth]."

"They mounted onyx stones in gold filigree settings and engraved them like a seal with the names of the sons of Israel."

"They fashioned the breastpiece...then they mounted four rows of precious stones on it. In the first row there was a ruby, a topaz and a beryl; in the second row a turquoise, a sapphire and an emerald..."

The list just goes on from there. Jewels and gemstones. Fine linen and richly-dyed yarn. Chains and bells of gold. Intricately stitched pomegranates. How could Moses stain those beautiful outfits with spots of blood?

That's when I saw Jesus. That's when I remembered His blood, which was shed for me. That's when I realized that the garments worn by Aaron and his sons were not made beautiful and pure by their outward adornment but by the blood stains, which signified that the Lord had consecrated them and made atonement for their sins.

I have fought hard to prove my own purity in the past. I have scrubbed my clothes, wiped myself clean, Windex’d the walls of my heart and prayed that God would find me worthy. How did I miss the Truth that my purity has nothing to do with manufactured coverings of my own design, and everything to do with the bloodstains of my Savior—the Living Sacrifice that made atonement for my sins once and for all? The cross has made me clean, and nothing else. I must be washed in crimson to wear garments that are white as snow—bleach and soap and good works and righteous acts have nothing to do with it whatsoever. 

Without the bloodstains, we're just wearing clothes. When we're washed in the blood, we're clothed in garments of His righteousness. 

"I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."—Isaiah 61:10