Monday, August 11, 2014

Marriage Monday: Five Things I'm Glad I Did Before Getting Married

I got married two weeks after turning 23. I get that to a lot of people (like, everyone living in a non-southern state), that probably sounds really young. For me, however, the timing felt just right.

First and foremost, our confidence in proceeding with a Hitched in a Hurry wedding came from the Lord, who gets full credit for bringing Taylor and I together as lifelong teammates in pursuit of Him. When I look in the rearview mirror, however, I’m also reminded of a series of experiences that helped me transition from single woman to wife with as little regret as possible. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that because I did these things on my own, the Lord rewarded me with a husband. These are just adventures and decision-points that, on a practical level, helped me enter marriage without fear of “missing out.”

So without further chit chat, let’s get to today’s #marriagemonday topic!

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FIVE THINGS I'M GLAD I DID BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

5. Traveled 

A few months after graduating from college, I jumped on an opportunity to move to Southern France and work as an au pair. While I’m looking forward to doing more traveling with my husband in the future, I’m also very grateful for the time I spent exploring Europe tout seul. Traveling literally opens your eyes to another world. It also helps you become aware of the fact that 1. Your perspective is not the only one in existence. 2. There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know. 3. Shocker! You’re not necessarily always right. These are all great lessons to learn before entering into a marriage relationship. Merci beaucoup, passport!











4. Got a Big Girl Job

Working full-time as a single woman provided me with real-world experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I learned to manage a busy schedule, set priorities, budget and make financial decisions, pay bills in a timely manner, live in and maintain my own place, and consider and evaluate my long-term goals. All of these things helped me grow into adulthood and out of a state of child-like dependency (and the cocoon of college).

On the job interviewing the one and only Austin Scarlett


 3. Tried Random Things

Competing at Miss Texas was random, y’all. And I am SO glad that I tried it before getting married. I got to wear a crown and sash, speak to students, do the pageant wave in a parade, get spray tans on a regular basis, perform a talent routine in front of hundreds of people, and answer the question, “I wonder what would happen if ... ?” Pageantry was a brief adventure that was all my own. I don’t ever have to wonder now if I could have been Miss America, because I already tried. Professional conferences, art shows, and writing competitions were also among the random things I tried as a single woman. So, checking things off the solo bucket list before marriage? A definite Do-Before-“I do” in my book. 

Post-presentation, we're ALL doing the pageant wave



2. Dated + Waited

I learned so much about what I was looking for—and not looking for—in a marriage relationship by being in more temporal dating relationships. That being said, this is an area that, in my opinion, deserves a “proceed with caution” sign. I’m going to skip through a lot of vague purity lingo here (which we’ll dissect in another post) and just say it like it is: I did not have sex before marriage, and it’s the best decision I made as a single woman. While sex frequently gets a bad rap in the church—associated with words like dangerous, wrong, dirty, and/or sinful—the reality is that having sex in the right context (that’s marriage) is safe, right, pure, holy, fun, and an integral part of building emotional intimacy. Did I date perfectly? No. But I did frequently remind myself that my husband was out there, which encouraged me to reserve as much of my body and heart as possible for him. If you’re considering waiting to have sex until marriage—or recommitting to physical purity in a current relationship—but are not sure that the benefits will outweigh the temporary cost, I encourage you to think toward the future with excitement and reserve what’s secret and sacred and sexual for your spouse only. The ups and downs of dating and the temptations and frustrations of waiting are worth it. More importantly, YOU are worth it. You are beautiful and loved and cherished. Remind yourself of that truth today … and every time you go out on a not-so-incredible blind date. 


1. Followed Jesus 

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

This is a misunderstood verse, I think—especially when it comes to relational desires. It’s easy to read Psalm 37:4 as an “if-then” equation. In the context of this discussion, here’s what that would look like: “If I can just be satisfied in Jesus, then I’ll get a husband.” Here’s how I started reading this verse as a single woman, and how I’m still learning to take hold of its truth now that I’m married:

Go where He’s leading—whether it’s to France to work as an au pair, or to a desk job in a high-rise building, or under the lights of the Miss Texas stage, or on a date set up by a friend, or all of the above—and trust that He will bring the right person into your life at the right time, no manufacturing required. Seek His face. From experience, you don’t have to see where everything’s going in order for His design to be accomplished. You don’t have to convince your heart that it doesn’t want to be married in hopes that, by some act of spiritual reverse psychology, God will finally give you what you’re pretending you don’t even want anymore. And you definitely don’t have to achieve perfection in order for your prayers to be answered or your needs to be met.

 
 Being single is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn what it means to delight in the Lord and grow in your intimacy with Him. It’s one-on-one time that allows for serious heart-rendering and wall-breaking and freedom-setting. It’s also important to note that marriage does not bring wholeness or complete satisfaction. That’s why it’s so extraordinarily important for all of us—whether “taken” or single, married or unmarried, sick or healthy, in good times or in bad—to come to a place where He becomes the desire of our hearts. Just Him. Not the things or the people or the relationship status He can bring to us. It’s difficult to say this as a newlywed, but I know that it’s true: all earthly relationships—even the best ones, like Christ-centered marriages—will pass away. The relationship I have with my Savior, however, will never end. That’s one of many reasons why, whether single or married, He deserves my first love and my first attentions. I’m thankful for the work the Lord began in my life as a single woman, and I pray that He will continue to work out His will in my life until I am old and gray and can’t remember anything but the all-surpassing love of the Father—the One who loved me first, last, and best. 
. . .


The point of this list: Being “ready for marriage” has nothing to do with the date on your birth certificate, the experiences under your belt, or the accomplishments on your résumé. It has everything to do with following the Lord’s unique plan for your life and saying “yes” to His calling.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track.” Proverbs 3:5-6, MSG

Monday, August 4, 2014

Marriage Monday: A trip for two

Last weekend, Taylor and I went on a trip to San Antonio. We had two goals: to celebrate our first wedding anniversary, and to take a step toward our dream of traveling together.

Taylor and I have both done quite a bit of traveling on our own, so I think we both assumed that adventuring out into the world as a team would be really easy for us. After all, we've been married for A WHOLE YEAR. Meaning we have this marriage thing on lock-down, we're certified relational experts, and we never-ever experience conflict. Except, wait...none of those things are true. Here's how that realization played out:


DAY ONE

Day One went off without a hitch, minus the fact that I left a celebratory bottle of wine and two extremely necessary cups of coffee at our apartment. No big deal. We overcame these potentially argument-inducing obstacles with ease, and proceeded to the highway. Detours incurred were only of the fun variety—Czech Stop for kolaches (and replacement coffee), and a surprise visit to the Natural Bridge Caverns. After arriving in San Antonio, we prettied up a bit at our hotel and hit the Riverwalk for dinner. Love-and-marriage success!



DAY TWO

And then came Day Two, when I was reminded why I always tell newly-engaged friends that "marriage reveals selfishness." Let's set the scene: San Antonio is experiencing record-breaking heat waves. I open up my bag in the morning and realize that I left every single pair of shorts I own at home (and that obviously I'm not as adept at late-night packing as I previously imagined). I am forced to wear black workout pants (which smell like the inside of a cave thanks to the activities of Day One), a workout tank, and tennis shoes. We proceed to the Alamo, where every other girl there is wearing a cute sundress and cute sandals and cute sunglasses. It's fine. 


Oh, yes. We "Remember the Alamo."

Post Alamo, Taylor suggests that we rent city bikes and visit the rest of the "nearby" missions. He graciously asks if I would like to do this. I pause for a long moment, because I am not good at biking, I am hungry, and I am already feeling the heat...but ultimately I give the plan the go-ahead, because 1. I can tell that he really wants to go, and 2. I think that there is potential in the plan for a few cute Instagrams (see this post for details).

Noticeably, there are no pictures of me at the missions. Why? Read on.
Long story short, my attitude plummeted from agreeable to tolerable to every-word-out-of-my-mouth-is-a-complaint in about 10 minutes. The "short" bike ride was actually 18 (hilly) miles in its entirety, and by the time we arrived at the first mission, my arms were sunburned from the tops of my shoulders to the backs of my hands. Naturally, I made sure to call out frequent updates about the status of my burn, the severity of my thirst, the fact that I had almost crashed into the river, and the searing pain in my calves to Taylor at least every five minutes. Surprise! We ended our bike ride early...and proceeded to enter into a pretty decently sized fight.

Conflict inevitably happens in every relationship, whether it's a romantic relationship or even a friendship. But in marriage, you don't just get to agree to disagree...or run away to your hotel room and pout. You commit to work it out, to dig to the bottom, to see through the other person's eyes, and to understand. And so in that moment—the one where we were supposed to be having fun, but seriously considering high-tailing it back to Dallas—we learned something(s).

He likes to jam-pack his travel schedule.
I like to move at a slower pace.
He likes to do action-oriented activities that require sturdy travel clothes.
I like to find the most authentic cafes and boutiques in town...and look "cute" while doing it.
He can go all day without eating.
I...can't.

These aren't travel-together deal breakers by any means. They're just differences and preferences that, even after one year of marriage, we didn't know existed.

DAY THREE

Learning the aforementioned lesson made Day Three a lot more balanced. We woke up, walked to a nearby Mercado, and enjoyed a breakfast of Mexican pastries and coffee. Afterward, we packed our bags and finished out our mission tour...only this time, by car. On the drive home, we stopped by the San Marcos outlets—his request—and made time for a burgers-and-shakes lunch at a local hole-in-the-wall I spotted while driving down the highway.





. . .

About a month after our wedding, a recently-engaged friend called and asked for my best marriage advice. Although I threw out an "I've only been married for a few weeks"-disclaimer, I still happily shared a few insights, feeling for about five minutes like I might have really figured a few things out.

If I'd really nailed down the whole marriage thing during month one, I'd be an expert (and probably a certified counselor) by now. But here's the truth—like all things that are holy and God-ordained and good, marriage is continually revealing the cracks in me. I hear that this is called sanctification, and although it's painful (and even embarrassing) to come face-to-face with my own shortcomings on a regular basis, it is such a good, good thing.

Missions, Round Two: Success!
These are just a few of the things I've learned during year one of our Hitched in a Hurry marriage:

Compromise. Teamwork. Laughing at mistakes. Asking for forgiveness. Saying, "I'm sorry." Saying, "I'm sorry" again. Accepting apologies. Moving past conflict. Choosing to have fun. Thinking of your spouse. Loving them through the pretty and the not-so-pretty moments. Chipping away at selfishness. Giving. Growing. Forgetting about how things are "supposed" to happen. Throwing plans out the window. Refusing to walk away. Standing in awe of the Father's goodness. Feeling humbled and blessed beyond measure at the gift of doing life with your best friend. Seeking and following and becoming more like Jesus, both as individuals and as a unit.


So thanks for the memories, San Antonio, and happy Marriage Monday, y'all. I hope you'll be encouraged by this new blog series!
Karley with a K. Todos los derechos reservados. © Maira Gall.